A Quiet Ache

The sky was a gloomy shade of twilight- a familiar in-between- just like him, Aarav thought, as he sat beside Ishika on the old park bench. He waited, as he had been for the past so many years… waiting for the sun to set on a crimson evening, waiting for an excuse to meet Ishika, waiting for that moment when she might, just for once, see what lurked within the confines of his heart.

But years passed and she apparently never did…

Ishika leaned in as she spoke about Raj. Lately it was always him.

“I mean Raj is sweet and thoughtful” her hands moved through the air as she spoke, as if sculpting the wind “I even offered to wait for him, but I feel he doesn’t get me, you know? Like-Like you do, Aarav”

His heart clenched at her words. He sometimes envied Raj for the infatuation that he received from Ishika… that Aarav could never, no matter how hard he tried but Raj reveled in this bliss, which was not his to take.

Meanwhile Ishika glanced at him for consolation, and he offered her a tight smile, a shoulder to cry and a heart to listen to. He pretended to be strong enough to carry all her miseries but inside, he was tired. So tired…

“You deserve someone who sees you, knows your heart, knows the real Ishu” he said, his voice quieter than intended as if his heart had whispered out-loud

A soft, unaware laugh escaped her lips “But where do I find a guy like that?” She leaned her head against his shoulder, a sigh escaping her lips “At least I’ve got you. Don’t know what I would do without you”

Aarav felt his chest tighten as those words fell upon him, suffocating him. He had always offered her company through her thick or thin… listening to her stories of her infatuation, every line shattering him, and watching her fall for guys, piercing his soul as though shards of glass, and offering her ways to mend something that should have never been there to begin with but now he seemed to crush under the strain of his heart-ache and of her ignorance. How could she never see through it all?

But today he wished to free his heart of this cruel strain. He could no longer bear it any longer… this misery, this void within his chest. The thought of her walking away- with Raj or any other boy, shattered this timidity inside him, pumping him with newfound courage to finally confess it all.

“I-” Aarav’s heart raced as his words seemed to be caught in his throat. This was it, he thought, here goes nothing “Ishika I need to tell you something”

Ishika looked at him inquisitively with her deer-doe eyes “What?”

“Well, you know” His words seemed stuck, afraid to slip out.

“I- I have been in love with you for years Ishika.” The words were deliberate and slow, as if afraid to break something fragile “I Tried to fight off this feeling for months but couldn’t and now I can’t keep pretending that it’s not tearing me apart.”

A deafening silence followed. In an instant all of the rustle of leaves, the laughter of children- all faded into the background and now just the two of them remained.

Ishika sat back up; her eyes wide with astonishment. Her lips parted but no words came out. Aarav, however, pushed forward... he wished to let it all, for the first and the last instance.

“I have stood by your side through everything for I have loved you and for me nothing surpasses that smile on your face and your happiness. My heart shatters every time I see you with other guys, wishing that it was me instead. Your presence, a glance at you just brightens my darkest days and so I told myself that I would rather have you as a friend than not have you at all but now I don’t think that I can keep up this pretense…”

The silence that followed was becoming suffocating. Aarav felt his heart hammering within his chest, waiting to burst out in this storm that this confession left hanging between them.

“Aarav, to be blunt, you did give this impression many-a-times that had me in throes of doubt, but I always abandoned that thought for the sake of our friendship...”

Her hand reached out, resting on his arm, her gentle touch both cruel and comforting “Don’t get me wrong Aarav… I care about you too much. You’re my best friend, my go-to person who has always been there for me and I have tried to be the same for you… But”

Aarav felt the inevitable coming, he felt it’s bitter sting… whose poison curdles the love in the heart of a lover…

“But…” She found herself unable to deliver those soul piercing words until she finally did, and it landed with a thousand stings to his heart “I don’t feel the same way about you Aarav”

Her words confirmed his worst fears. He closed his eyes for a moment as a single tear flowed down his cheeks. He knew this was coming but the pain still sunk his heart to the depths of dejection.

A whisper escaped, her voice trembling with emotions “I wish I felt the same way too, I wish I could… but just can’t Aarav”

He opened his eyes, filled to the brim with a pool of tears which he courageously held back and offered a hollow smile.

“it’s not your fault Ishu” he said wiping off his tears.

And it surely wasn’t. How could he enforce upon her something as natural as love and affection? Something that emanates from the depth of the heart and cultivates in the willing union of two… it couldn’t be imposed upon anyone.

He stared at her, memorizing every detail that he fell in love with- that beautiful face, the soft curve of her smile, those hazel brown eyes, that never looked at him as he looked at her, and brunette hair that fell slightly out of place every time the wind kissed her tender cheeks.

Her hands grazed his arms, forbidding him to leave but they both knew that something had already shifted inside him… between both of them. Quietly he got up and took one last glance of the love of his life.

“I hope fate never makes us despise each-other and a part of us remains with each-other in our memories wherever life takes us… Goodbye Ishika” the last words barely above a whisper

He turned back and walked away. The wind picked up; the laughter of the children resumed with the world moving on around him as if nothing just happened. But for him, it was the end of everything.

He walked silently and couldn’t dare to turn back, to look into her eyes which he knew would instantly melt his heart, his resolve and so he continued, tears flowing down his cheeks. The realization set in like a cold ash in his chest: she would move on- she would laugh again, love, and maybe, one day, she’d remember him fondly as her friend but that was all he would ever be—a distant cold memory.

Aarav’s chest felt hollow, a deep, aching void. The love that had once filled him was now a scar that would eternally plague his happiness. So, he had to learn to let go, he thought, sometimes the greatest act of love is letting go and it was pertinent he learned to do so lest this quiet ache should stay with him forever.

-The End